Emotions

Emotions... lots of things to be said about that word, but even more to feel.
Yet, my feeling died long ago, a long with my so called evil twin so to say.
Did i have much of a choise, i think not, allthough most would disagree. Do i envy the people that have lives full of emotions, wether it be sadness or happiness? Fuck yeah i do, i might not feel much at the moment, but i remenis the moments i did. The excitement of happiness, that odd feeling of falling in love, that dark, o so dark feeling of sadness. But as i said, i did not have much choise at that time, if i wouldn't have done this, i wouldn't be here writing this shit. No, i would be locked up, dead, or hidden. Which of the 3 is worse, it would probably be locked up, i can't stand losing my freedom, but i will get back on that later, few days or so, fuck knows. But the others, first of all death. For that, it depends, how and when, and what is after that (will get back later on that, shit, that is a lot to get back on already) The how and when, probably with a bang, and taking as many with me as possible, some dark shit, but hey, i can't help it. And than the last one, hidden, i would dig that probably, but im drifting off it seems.
The thing is, i've been dead for 4 years now, my heart is beating, yes, am i still breathing? most of the time. But do i feel alive? far from. Living like this have been hellish, for 1 reason, having no emotions at all makes things...odd, so to say. Seeing the birth of the child of my sister as an example, seeing all my relatives getting all hyped about it, but i had no smile to smile, better said, i though, goddamn, another live to filthen this place. fucking monsters... drifting off, saving that for later.. again.
How i come through the days? i don't to be honest, living is a struggle i was losing, slowly, but very surely. But then again, can't blame me, how would you live if you know your happiest days were over, and there was nothing good to get in your future? Excactly.
The days were long, time went slowly, and life got dull, people even more so. Once you have no opinion left, there is no right or wrong, there is just...a human. That human with emotions, that i envy too. Ain't that a bitch i just thought. Being jealous on the thing you hate with a passion, twisting mindfuck yes, but then again, welcome to my life bitch.
So, I went on and on with this empty shell like feeling, which became more and more a limitation. I truly wanted to feel something, and God how i tried. But i couldn't, something in me did not want me to feel, and there you go, back at start, all this shit for nothing, just to lose and not gain, that freakin evil twin, fucking my mind, and leaving nothing but pictures of dismembered bodies, in rooms full of blood. But the more i think of it, the more i question myself. Is he really there, or am i him? Am i possessed or am i just fucked up me? I'll stick to the first, since then atleast i am not to blame, and i only carry the responsability of containing the anger, which i do pretty well lately. But, i'll assume i am possessed for now, cause then, i can atleast fix this shit that caused me to lose it all.
So... here i am, back at day 1 when i decided to lock it all away, and try to move on, which didn't work, obviously.
But, something has changed though, but i am not to thank for that, i feel more than i did, and feeling a little more, is a hell of a lot better than nothing. She, she made this happen, i was blind at first, or maybe stupid, but my eyes are wide open now, and she...she...i'll leave it with that, she knows, and that's all. I thank you for that my love.
So..i am a little on my way back to being human again, allthough i will be a human with limitations in feeling, but damn, it is better than this, since i will lose if this doesn't change. As i asked before, what is there to live for, if you know your happiest days are over, and there is nothing but emptiness to follow?
I will stop here now though, allthough i am far from done, i am trough with this subject for this week, looking back, i did write quite a lot, allthough a lot of it is filling i guess, but hey, the filling in a cake tastes the sweetest? odd...

'I pray to the Lord, but he ignores me unfortunatly because i'm guilty'
2Pac

More to write at midnight, when i do catch my flow, and dont have to write, just to get the first page full :)

And again, welcome into my mind, don't get lost while being there, since i have no exit.