Rules

Rule number 1. Don't get caught.
Rule number 2. Don't take liabilities.
Rule number 3. Get rid of anything that stand in the way of 1 and 2.

I was born in too this system, don't be mad at what you made me.

Maelstorm

1 fucking big storm going on, anger building, selfcontrol fading.
This shit is fucked, as big as fucked can be.
fuck this, i need some relaxation, and the worst, i can't even get my medicine, the fucking weed.
Shit is killing me, destroying me, till i snap..

!

I've lived a million lives,
I've died a million deaths,
yet none of that compares,
to what you mean to me.

Jealousy

My life has been lead by jealousy.
trying to own everything what is not mine.
claiming all i should not claim.
and i am trying, god i am trying so hard, but still, i still got this jealousy. and sorry girl, i'm treating you this way, but know that, that it is because i love you so much.
i've been mistreated, trashed, by all i thought i could trust. I was made this way, and i am changing, maybe not fast enough, but i am doing all i ccan.
i love you girl, and i will get rid of anything that stands in our way.

Wolken - flinke namen

Ey lichtjaar na lichtjaar gaat voorbij
De rem is niet beschikbaar, Niet voor mij
Ben ik hier of ik daar, Allebei
Op me wolk ik zit daar alle tijd, Van de wereld
Niks te haasten, met planeten om me heen heb ik niks te maken
Droom op me wolk en ik lig te slapen
Alles kan hier en ik vind het master
Om me heen is het niks,
Het centrum van het universum ben ik,
Sterren draaien, om me heen, dus ik ben niet alleen
Ik zweef in het niets, t is vreemd
En ik zie jullie wel maar het gaat aan mij voorbij
En ik hoor jullie wel maar het gaat aan mij voorbij

Ikke kan je eventjes niet volgen,
Ikke kom er eventjes niet uit,
Ikke zit nu ff in de wolken
En ik kom er denk ik niet meer uit

'Zet hem op' schreeuwen mensen van de zijlijn
Maar ik hoor alleen mezelf praten

Ik haat het: 'fok hun' schreeuwen mensen van de zijlijn
Maar ik hoor alleen mezelf praten

Ik laat het..
Denken doe ik
Slapen moet ik
Het gaat niet,
Vallen, opstaan daarom bloed ik
Ik klaag niet
Conversatie sorry maare
Ik praat niet
Niks persoonlijks, echte shit
Ik haat t
Te moe om te haten, te druk om te slapen
Ik hoor alleen mezelf praten dus laat me
Te hoog om te grijpen
Te laag om te hypen
Ik hoor alleen mezelf praten dus laat me (dus laat me, dus laat
Me, dus laat
Me, dus laat
Me)

Ikke kan je eventjes niet volgen,
Ikke kom er eventjes niet uit,
Ikke zit nu ff in de wolken
En ik kom er denk ik niet meer uit

En ik zweef in de lucht, op de wolk in me hoofd, er is niets om me heen

Bed

Here i lay,
finally placed me
in my bed,
remenising the past,
and can't help but notice,
i did more wrongs than right.

i wish i could just sleep right away, without a care what tomorrow will bring, or better said, knowing i will still be asleep tomorrow.
A few months of sleep, that would do me good. Ceasing to excist for a few years, and see how people move on without me, of which i am sure they will. Wonder if 1 would stop and think, what happened to the boy we once knew?
The boy is dead i would answer, and i would smile at them, the smile a lot of people hate, which i love. I would like to see their faces after i've answered them, that look... it'll be a look to remember.

While i am asleep, i am happy, of that i am sure. Dreaming my lovely, probably weird and maybe even scary for others, dreams. Dreams i control, dreams in which i know i am dreaming, and use it to my advantage. Doing whatever the fuck i want, without worrying about the look people will give, without getting advice of other, without caring about others.
I love life while asleep, i am free while i am, one of the few times i am truly free of the limitations of having a body. I could fly while asleep, or move a mountain, or just have a mass-massacre, without having to stop and think, is this right? cause well... it is my dream, and i am always right in my dreams. since well.. the maker is always right, right?

So, here i lay, in my bed, waiting for the sleep to come and get me, and let my mind take me wherever i want to go, without consequences, without limitations.

staring at my ceiling i remembered a thought of mine from some time ago.
When you dream, you feel, see and hear everything like it's real. Now what if it is real? What if dreaming is the answer to letting your spirit leave your body? maybe i should go see god in my dreams and ask him? sad thing is, there is no god to be found... so who to ask, but myself?

Think outside the box right?

well, the more i think about it, the more proof i find that it cannot be true, sad though, it would be kinda enjoyable atleast.

Well, guess it's time to sleep, and hopefully, dream about that 1 special person that gave me life, a life full of love.

ZzZz...

Moogle

Limits

They say the sky is the limit,
I say i am beyond the sky,
They say know your limits,
I say i have no limits.

Unlimited is what i am,
And so are you.

Afterlife

The afterlife..
First of all, my knowing.
2 things.
first
There is none, humans are still made of atoms, and atoms are dead.
yes, it can be that simple.
now..the second one.
the afterlife as i saw it is.
Spirits are split in 2, the good and the bad. Allthough i don't believe in good or bad, there are still 2 different types, and both have their reasons.
First the good, of which i witnessed 2. They mean no harm, and they are save to approach, they could be your guardian angel, or just a random person that happens to walk past you.
Spirits are just energy, so they can't really do a thing since they have to little of it to make physical things happen, like lifting a paper. But they can if they tap your energy. But, that is all theoratical, and i don't want to waste my time on that, since i will find out soon enough. Just so you know, do not fear what you can not see, since not all is bad.

Now.. there are also bad things lurking in the darkness.
I for one, carry one with me wherever i go. Some might call them demons, some might call them a poltergeist, and some just dont care, cause they don't know.
The bad are the ones that you should fear, if you are not prepared to stand your ground, or if you are weakminded, or just not have the will to resist.
The bad are the ones that haunt you, the ones that knock your door, the ones that breath in your neck while you lay in your bed.
Some of them carry enough energy with them to do whatever they wish to do, but there are to few of those to even consider them.
The bad that do tap your energy, are the ones people fear. I do not though, i rather challenge them, give them 50% of mine, and see who stands last. For i, will not bend nor break, not give in, and not listen to whatever they have to say.
Don't get me wrong, i am not the person with a ouijabord and goes on a rampage with it, there are other ways to check who is there. thing is, they always find me, feed me thoughts and visions, wake me up when i sleep, just to not answer my calls.
I am drifting off...

Everybody is curious about what is out there, even i still am, once curious enough to find out right away.
Am i sure about what is after this? fuck no. Will i find out before i die? probably will, unless there is nothing after it.
I am still trapped inside my shell, and have found no way to leave it for a while to find out, maybe because there is none, or maybe i am not focused enough yet.
Just know, that if there is an afterlife, i will find it, and i will show, and will use, cause that is where i am here for, or so i think.

Aslong as i still feel this dark presence behind me, with me, i will believe in an afterlife, since that feeling is my proof for now, and the 3 spirits i have seen, might have been an illusion, but they might have not, i do not know yet, but will do anything i can to summon them once more.

yeah, the afterlife, mankinds greatest puzzle, and i will solve it one day, cause well... what else to do?
Once i am stronger than i am now, i will summon the worst of the worst, and if that doesnt work, i will give up on my quest, and accept that there is nothing out there, but untill then, i will hold true to my beliefs, and stick with it.

If my evil twin is indeed a demon that came to me, than i already have my answer but have not realised it. If i would just look at the looks people gave me, i would be pretty sure he is, but i might be mistaken... but their eyes.. they showed me a shitload of fear inside, fearing me? Maybe i should be feared for who i am, or who he is, or better said, for what we are.

I fear us, and i dont feel fear that often.

I hope there is an afterlife, and i will finally be freed from the limitations of having a body, and i can finally free my mind, and fly.

Interlude

Seems i still haven't catched my flow.
Seems i am not that steady as i thought i was.
Seems.. i haven't even read back a lot,
but why should i now? nothing that needs to be changed i guess, and if so, it will only prove i can be wrong once.
Waiting for my flow, maybe i need inspiration... some weed would help :)
But no.. i'll find it, it'll just take a while for it to find me too.

Moogle :)

i

i do not excist
yet i am
i have no thoughts of my own
yet i think
How?
because i am every single one of ya
but then mixed and twisted into 1 mind.

I am nothing more than nobody, i could be a somebody, but i chose not too.
A nobody can be lurking in the shadows without one knowing,
a somebody would be spotted.
In an odd way, i am perfectly happy with who i am, yet i feel no happiness.
Is it because i see fear in their eyes when i look at them?
Or is it because there is compassion to be found deep inside them.

From time to time, i wish i never have been.
But here i am, still holding My ground.
Hate me or love me, you will have to deal with me.
i probably hate you as much as you hate me, yet, we never cross that thin line between thought and actions, atleast, i do not, cause i know the basic principle of action and reaction. A lot do not.

I am me, a mindfuck so to say, and even i have cant figure me out.
How did i end up like this? wasn't i sweet when i was young?
This hatred i feel is not mine, yet i own it.

There will be a die, when i will end, and i fear that day, cause who am i..without me?
I can't stand the thought i will cease to excist without a chance of coming back, without me wanting it to end, and even more so, with leaving people behind that think of me, thinking i live on, while i do not.
And i am pretty sure i am not alone with that thought, who else, but someone with that fear wouldve made up Religion? Thinking you end up in some heaven after you die, the afterlife is just has hardknock as the life on earth. Screw heaven, screw hell, neither of them is big enough for me.

No, i will not stop to excist, there is just no way that could ever happen.
And if there is this possibility it will, i will take this world with me.

I leave you for now, since this is going the wrong way it seems.

'I span the universe and return to Earth to claim my throne
The maker, owner, plus soul controller'

Anger

Anger..isn't it something we all hate with a passion?
Yet, we all have problems with it, one more then the other.
Learning to manage your anger, is one of the hardest things in life, yet, it is still possible.
My own anger is like this flame, flowing trough my body, never cooling off, only getting hotter and hotter. When will my point of not tolerating the heat any longer?
I wish i knew that answer, would make my life a lot less complicated. But when i snap, i will snap with consequences, i will rage, and no, i don't know what i will do.
Controlling this flame for i think...2-3 years now, and for the last few months turning this flame into energy, energy i can control, instead of it controlling me.
No idea what i can do with it yet, but it will come to me sooner or later.
I hope something good, but we all have had our hopes shattered into pieces atleast once in our lifetimes, sometimes small pieces, and sometimes bigger pieces, eitherway, hope was nowhere to be found afterwards, but time heals all wounds.
This flame though, is somewhat the same as my evil twin, neither can life without eachother, this flame was given me by him, and i can not give it back.
For all i know i have witnessed to much wickedness in my lifetime, and maybe wickedness has witnessed me, eitherway, i'm completely fucked if i loose control.
But i am still sitting here, with this shroud of peace all over me, this untouchable feeling covering me. Is this flame a blessing or a curse?

I'll stay cautious, cause i've been cursed before.

But i must admit, i love it... some part of me fucking loves it.
Why? Cause.. good question there.. why do i love this flame that feeds me anger?
Guess it is because it gives power, and i am powerhungry.
Coming to think of it, hunger for power has driven more than 1 to madness, maybe i am not that untouchable as it seems, yet, i still am driven to gain more, and still can not be touched, so i might get best of both in the end.

If i would ever get the choise to kill my flame, i don't know yet what i would do, because for now, that flame is me, that flame is living me.
Till i collapse under the weight, i will keep on learning, learning what to do with this, and i might even end up doing right for once in my life...

' I Self Lord And Master, shall bring disaster to evil factors
Demonic chapters, shall be captured by Kings
Through the storms of days after
Unto the Earth from the Sun through triple darkness to blast ya
with a force that can't be compared
to any firepower, for it's mindpower shared'

Guru, Gangstarr

Death

Death is just around the corner,
But don't peek,
It will come, and i will grab you if you do,
Draggin you down,
Down into the abyss,
An abyss with no light,
No hope,
No way back,
So dont peek,
You will walk around the corner,
When you least expect it.

Emotions

Emotions... lots of things to be said about that word, but even more to feel.
Yet, my feeling died long ago, a long with my so called evil twin so to say.
Did i have much of a choise, i think not, allthough most would disagree. Do i envy the people that have lives full of emotions, wether it be sadness or happiness? Fuck yeah i do, i might not feel much at the moment, but i remenis the moments i did. The excitement of happiness, that odd feeling of falling in love, that dark, o so dark feeling of sadness. But as i said, i did not have much choise at that time, if i wouldn't have done this, i wouldn't be here writing this shit. No, i would be locked up, dead, or hidden. Which of the 3 is worse, it would probably be locked up, i can't stand losing my freedom, but i will get back on that later, few days or so, fuck knows. But the others, first of all death. For that, it depends, how and when, and what is after that (will get back later on that, shit, that is a lot to get back on already) The how and when, probably with a bang, and taking as many with me as possible, some dark shit, but hey, i can't help it. And than the last one, hidden, i would dig that probably, but im drifting off it seems.
The thing is, i've been dead for 4 years now, my heart is beating, yes, am i still breathing? most of the time. But do i feel alive? far from. Living like this have been hellish, for 1 reason, having no emotions at all makes things...odd, so to say. Seeing the birth of the child of my sister as an example, seeing all my relatives getting all hyped about it, but i had no smile to smile, better said, i though, goddamn, another live to filthen this place. fucking monsters... drifting off, saving that for later.. again.
How i come through the days? i don't to be honest, living is a struggle i was losing, slowly, but very surely. But then again, can't blame me, how would you live if you know your happiest days were over, and there was nothing good to get in your future? Excactly.
The days were long, time went slowly, and life got dull, people even more so. Once you have no opinion left, there is no right or wrong, there is just...a human. That human with emotions, that i envy too. Ain't that a bitch i just thought. Being jealous on the thing you hate with a passion, twisting mindfuck yes, but then again, welcome to my life bitch.
So, I went on and on with this empty shell like feeling, which became more and more a limitation. I truly wanted to feel something, and God how i tried. But i couldn't, something in me did not want me to feel, and there you go, back at start, all this shit for nothing, just to lose and not gain, that freakin evil twin, fucking my mind, and leaving nothing but pictures of dismembered bodies, in rooms full of blood. But the more i think of it, the more i question myself. Is he really there, or am i him? Am i possessed or am i just fucked up me? I'll stick to the first, since then atleast i am not to blame, and i only carry the responsability of containing the anger, which i do pretty well lately. But, i'll assume i am possessed for now, cause then, i can atleast fix this shit that caused me to lose it all.
So... here i am, back at day 1 when i decided to lock it all away, and try to move on, which didn't work, obviously.
But, something has changed though, but i am not to thank for that, i feel more than i did, and feeling a little more, is a hell of a lot better than nothing. She, she made this happen, i was blind at first, or maybe stupid, but my eyes are wide open now, and she...she...i'll leave it with that, she knows, and that's all. I thank you for that my love.
So..i am a little on my way back to being human again, allthough i will be a human with limitations in feeling, but damn, it is better than this, since i will lose if this doesn't change. As i asked before, what is there to live for, if you know your happiest days are over, and there is nothing but emptiness to follow?
I will stop here now though, allthough i am far from done, i am trough with this subject for this week, looking back, i did write quite a lot, allthough a lot of it is filling i guess, but hey, the filling in a cake tastes the sweetest? odd...

'I pray to the Lord, but he ignores me unfortunatly because i'm guilty'
2Pac

More to write at midnight, when i do catch my flow, and dont have to write, just to get the first page full :)

And again, welcome into my mind, don't get lost while being there, since i have no exit.

(K)

Here it is...
Nu wacht ik op je adembenemende teksten geschreven door je filosofische gedachten. Ik hoop veel fijne mooie woorden te zien over wat je ook maar denkt, voelt en kwijt wil.

Kus, Mij