;o

ik streefde ernaar niks te hebben opdat ik niets kon verliezen,
en toen kwam jij...

...

the fuck do you want from me?

satisfied

I wish i could get you satisfied.. to see you shine your utmost every second, without exceptions.. but it seems.. i can't do everything..
this feeling of helplessness.. i hate it.. mustve been 1 of the reasons i gave it all up.
i hate this, but i just have to deal with it... once again.

see

Seeing is believing,
Believing is seeing.

Heed these words youngster,
For you might end up believing that you see,
without seeing that you believe.

Q and A

Don't blame the speaker when you are not getting the answer you need,
you are just asking the wrong questions.


''Always look at yourself before looking at others''

Heart

A heart dies a slowly dead,
Like a tree that sheds his leafs,
Untill no leaf remains,
No hopes,
Nothing remains.

Loss

Once there was a poem named 'Loss',
The poet had it engraved in rock,
But the poet carved the poem away,
For Loss can not be read,
It can only be felt.

:)

Kill a man, one is a Murderer;
Kill a million, a Conqueror;
Kill them all, a God.

Kongming

The star that dropped last night upon his camp,
Announced to all: ''The master fell this day.''
No longer from his tent will orders flow;
The Hall of Fame will honor his succes.
The host in his mind's eye denied their day.
Nor, in the green woods, clear and sunlit,
Will Kongming's fine-voiced chants be heard again.


Mortality, the law all flesh obeys..

pac

A place to spend my quiet nights, time to unwind
So much pressure in this life of mine, I cry at times
I once contemplated suicide, and woulda tried
But when I held that 9, all I could see was my momma's eyes
No one knows my struggle, they only see the trouble
Not knowin it's hard to carry on when no one loves you
Picture me inside the misery of poverty
No man alive has ever witnessed struggles I survived
Prayin hard for better days, promise to hold on

is there a way for me to change?
Or am I just a victim of things I did to maintain?

2pac

Perhaps I was blind to the facts, stabbed in the back
I couldn't trust my own homies just a bunch a dirty rats
Will I, succeed, paranoid from the weed
And hocus pocus try to focus but I can't see
And in my mind I'ma blind man doin time
Look to my future cause my past, is all behind me
Is it a crime, to fight, for what is mine?
Everybody's dyin tell me what's the use of tryin
I've been Trapped since birth, cautious, cause I'm cursed

sigh

Why does this shit allways happens to me?
Why do i always have to refrain myself from doing the wrong things.
why does temptation allways knocks on my door, and why do i have no lock on it?
i dont know what this shit it, or what fate wants from me, but this is some fucked up shit.
Fate hates me, of that i am certain, and if there is a God, he disgraces me in every way possible. There is no wrong or right i keep telling myself, but the fuck, i am as wrong as wrong can be.
i have no idea how i made till my 18th birthday, cause i am certain, i shouldve been dead before that. i've seen it, i've heared it, i've felt it.
yet, i am still here, not a lot of i, but there is still something kicking.
i have no idea what to do, who to confront with what, and what i should do next.
all i know is: i am completely fucked...

dear god... why cant you leave me alone for a sec? why do always have to fuck me over, and pulling myself to hell? why cant i live for a second or two, and have nothing to worry about? o god.. if there is a god, i will fight you, and i will take your throne, and most importantly, i will do to you, what you did to me, cause i said, there is nothing worse than this cursed ass hopeless life.
i am not waiting when i will die, cause i am sure, someone or something, will come pick me up soon, and i will be confronted with me own self...
i hate this.... how did i become so evil? why am i chosen to be this? why couldnt it be someone else? why do i have to carry this fucking load with me? i want to drop it.. and i want to drop it now...
but i cant.. since i have it to drop it on someone else..
dunno why i am writing this while im intoxicated.. but i am, so there must be some reason.
you might believe in nothing, but i know signs, and i know how to read them, someday, ill teach you all i know, right before i used my last breath on teaching you.. just because.. you are worth spending my last breath on.. my very last effort, will be put into you..

this shit is so fucked, there is no fucking way out, i am who i am, and i fucking hate the pityfull fuck i am, i aint worth shit, and shit aint worth me, i have no fucking escape, and no sideroad to take, in the end, ill get fucked, and wont make it long. may the world remember who i once was, and not see the hatred in my eyes of now...
i am fucking dying, slowly but surely, the fuck i am to do? there is no fucking hope left, there is no fucking way out, i got set into this mindset, and as of know, i know too much to ever change back to the ignorant fool i once was...
how i miss my old me..me.. who could do the right thing.. even though not will full understanding, i knew what to do and when..
but now.. i am just a miserable fuck, that has no meaning to breath on..
i dont even know why i write this shit, im hopeless anyway...
either way, say your goodbyes, since i wont last long, cause there is no way out of this mindset, ive put my life on hold, and people keep pressing play, and i dont want to play anymore.. i want to stay like this, not going further, not going backwards.. just stay here.. in this meaningless nothing.. dear fate.. release me of this pain... this pain that is having a grip on my soul, and just keeps squeezing, like i have not have enough to live through as of now..

Life is about choise they say, but what if you cant choose? what if both ways are the same? what if there is no choise to keep you without regret, and keeping you satisfied?
dear fate... give me some way out of this, cause i am not lasting longer, and i have too.. i need too... there is no other choise, but to give up living for myself once more, and just live on.. just for her..

dear fate.. give me some way out.. reset my mind.. let me forget my knowledge, forgive my flaws, and forget my wrongs.. cause i've been stupid, and i need this.. since if i cant redo my life, there is little life left inside of me..

i dont know anymore.. i wish i knew, but i dont, i am drunk as fuck, and just typing to type.. i dont know what it is, but i need some relieve..
what i really need is: not to breath, not to make my hearth beat, and not to keep on going..
this shitty life isnt what i wanted, i wanted happiness, without sorrow, and definatly without regret, but what did i get? i only got sorrow, and a hellish pain to deal with. having to deal with the knowledge i have.. there is nothing worse.. if only i could share it.. if only i could copy my knowledge into someone else, and forget it all, and just die.. happily, and fly... just fly.. it is all i ever wanted.. just to fly..to be free of choise.. to be free of human kind..

i will have to stop now, whoever reads this, and knows where i am talking about, i am sorry for what i have done, and for what i will do

Do not hate the messenger, hate the message....


i love you.... but is it enough?

.

Send me to hell,
aint nothing worse then this cursed ass hopeless life.

1 day, it will al go wrong, and no one to bear with me then,
nothing will live through my wrath, atleast,
that is what i hope...

it will go wrong 1 day, the question is: which?

i love you... you know it..

futility

Seems it doesn't really mather what i say or do, neither of the 2 seem to be reaching goal. Do i shoot so poorly, or is the target dodging?
I truly am trying the best i can, but it seems it is not enough. Think i should just back off a little, and let the target crawl to me, bit harsh, but it's a last resort.
So many things that still need change, and so little will to change it seems.
Maybe if i was something more, a somebody, a bit better, my efforts would be noticed, but i can wish all i want, an ignore is what i get. And that is breaking me apart, allthough there is little left to break but the dust that is shattering.

Seems i should beg on my knees for better treatment, see if i'm being noticed then.
But no, i dont beg, i cant beg, i wont beg, it might be worth it, but the pride is troubling the mind.

nothing left to say that needs to be said, whatever has not been said, is better left unsaid...

..

Seems i am running out of options, while i had so many a while ago. door after door closes, and none re-open.
I could force a few open, but i'm not like that, i'd rather stare and wait..and wait... wait...
It was all so clear once, the past, the present and the future were mine, but my vision is so blurry now, as like none of those 3 ever existed, and me neither.
I have a few options left, before i'll get jammed and cease to move on, but those options... i cant be sure if i like any of them, from time to time 1 option stand out, but in a blink of an eye that clearity is gone, and i'm back in my foggy mindset.
I wonder if there even is a way out of this, shrug this cold off, and bath in warmth.
Drop this worldlike weight of my chest and breath once more, pushing my mind of my shoulders, and relearn thoughts, remake my body, and move again, take these icy fingers of my heart, and make it beat once more.
Refind the will to live, and live a life...
I can't really say i'm not content, but i am very certain nobody shares that thought with me. I'm alone, but definatly not lonely... would be nice for once....
Maybe im overdue, and just lengthening my time with all means necessary, buying time, with nothing to trade in return.
So, it's true, there is not much left to do but to live the life others expect of me. Anyhow, happiness is hard to find when youre not eagerly looking for it.

this little voice keeps telling me to run, rebuild it all, redo my strategy, and try all over again... but that door has already been shut, but might be the only door i would be willing to force open. But the consequences, i don't think they really outweigh the benefits, no wait, i am certain it will not outweigh...
Honestly, the exit light is starting to flicker.
i'm starting to lose my sense of hearing, my eyes aren't what they used to be, my nose isn't picking up the same scents as before, and my body is starting to get numb, vital signs start to weaken, and the mind is starting to fade away...
If there was a way out of this mindset, i shouldve found it by now, but all i have is a piece of the clouds, and the memory of my past dreams, but not a thing of what i have can break me free.
Giving up seems not to be the option, that door is always open, or better yet, there is no door, just an open portal.
Seems i am stuck fighting myself to the dead, with no option of ceasing the fight, and i just have to keep going..and going..going... till there is nothing left to go for.

Seems i will have to wait and see what happens next... mhm.. seems life truly does follow circles.
Wish i could say: i hope things will get better soon, but i already have abonded hope, next is yours.


Karma truly is a bitch...