..

Seems i am running out of options, while i had so many a while ago. door after door closes, and none re-open.
I could force a few open, but i'm not like that, i'd rather stare and wait..and wait... wait...
It was all so clear once, the past, the present and the future were mine, but my vision is so blurry now, as like none of those 3 ever existed, and me neither.
I have a few options left, before i'll get jammed and cease to move on, but those options... i cant be sure if i like any of them, from time to time 1 option stand out, but in a blink of an eye that clearity is gone, and i'm back in my foggy mindset.
I wonder if there even is a way out of this, shrug this cold off, and bath in warmth.
Drop this worldlike weight of my chest and breath once more, pushing my mind of my shoulders, and relearn thoughts, remake my body, and move again, take these icy fingers of my heart, and make it beat once more.
Refind the will to live, and live a life...
I can't really say i'm not content, but i am very certain nobody shares that thought with me. I'm alone, but definatly not lonely... would be nice for once....
Maybe im overdue, and just lengthening my time with all means necessary, buying time, with nothing to trade in return.
So, it's true, there is not much left to do but to live the life others expect of me. Anyhow, happiness is hard to find when youre not eagerly looking for it.

this little voice keeps telling me to run, rebuild it all, redo my strategy, and try all over again... but that door has already been shut, but might be the only door i would be willing to force open. But the consequences, i don't think they really outweigh the benefits, no wait, i am certain it will not outweigh...
Honestly, the exit light is starting to flicker.
i'm starting to lose my sense of hearing, my eyes aren't what they used to be, my nose isn't picking up the same scents as before, and my body is starting to get numb, vital signs start to weaken, and the mind is starting to fade away...
If there was a way out of this mindset, i shouldve found it by now, but all i have is a piece of the clouds, and the memory of my past dreams, but not a thing of what i have can break me free.
Giving up seems not to be the option, that door is always open, or better yet, there is no door, just an open portal.
Seems i am stuck fighting myself to the dead, with no option of ceasing the fight, and i just have to keep going..and going..going... till there is nothing left to go for.

Seems i will have to wait and see what happens next... mhm.. seems life truly does follow circles.
Wish i could say: i hope things will get better soon, but i already have abonded hope, next is yours.


Karma truly is a bitch...