sigh

Why does this shit allways happens to me?
Why do i always have to refrain myself from doing the wrong things.
why does temptation allways knocks on my door, and why do i have no lock on it?
i dont know what this shit it, or what fate wants from me, but this is some fucked up shit.
Fate hates me, of that i am certain, and if there is a God, he disgraces me in every way possible. There is no wrong or right i keep telling myself, but the fuck, i am as wrong as wrong can be.
i have no idea how i made till my 18th birthday, cause i am certain, i shouldve been dead before that. i've seen it, i've heared it, i've felt it.
yet, i am still here, not a lot of i, but there is still something kicking.
i have no idea what to do, who to confront with what, and what i should do next.
all i know is: i am completely fucked...

dear god... why cant you leave me alone for a sec? why do always have to fuck me over, and pulling myself to hell? why cant i live for a second or two, and have nothing to worry about? o god.. if there is a god, i will fight you, and i will take your throne, and most importantly, i will do to you, what you did to me, cause i said, there is nothing worse than this cursed ass hopeless life.
i am not waiting when i will die, cause i am sure, someone or something, will come pick me up soon, and i will be confronted with me own self...
i hate this.... how did i become so evil? why am i chosen to be this? why couldnt it be someone else? why do i have to carry this fucking load with me? i want to drop it.. and i want to drop it now...
but i cant.. since i have it to drop it on someone else..
dunno why i am writing this while im intoxicated.. but i am, so there must be some reason.
you might believe in nothing, but i know signs, and i know how to read them, someday, ill teach you all i know, right before i used my last breath on teaching you.. just because.. you are worth spending my last breath on.. my very last effort, will be put into you..

this shit is so fucked, there is no fucking way out, i am who i am, and i fucking hate the pityfull fuck i am, i aint worth shit, and shit aint worth me, i have no fucking escape, and no sideroad to take, in the end, ill get fucked, and wont make it long. may the world remember who i once was, and not see the hatred in my eyes of now...
i am fucking dying, slowly but surely, the fuck i am to do? there is no fucking hope left, there is no fucking way out, i got set into this mindset, and as of know, i know too much to ever change back to the ignorant fool i once was...
how i miss my old me..me.. who could do the right thing.. even though not will full understanding, i knew what to do and when..
but now.. i am just a miserable fuck, that has no meaning to breath on..
i dont even know why i write this shit, im hopeless anyway...
either way, say your goodbyes, since i wont last long, cause there is no way out of this mindset, ive put my life on hold, and people keep pressing play, and i dont want to play anymore.. i want to stay like this, not going further, not going backwards.. just stay here.. in this meaningless nothing.. dear fate.. release me of this pain... this pain that is having a grip on my soul, and just keeps squeezing, like i have not have enough to live through as of now..

Life is about choise they say, but what if you cant choose? what if both ways are the same? what if there is no choise to keep you without regret, and keeping you satisfied?
dear fate... give me some way out of this, cause i am not lasting longer, and i have too.. i need too... there is no other choise, but to give up living for myself once more, and just live on.. just for her..

dear fate.. give me some way out.. reset my mind.. let me forget my knowledge, forgive my flaws, and forget my wrongs.. cause i've been stupid, and i need this.. since if i cant redo my life, there is little life left inside of me..

i dont know anymore.. i wish i knew, but i dont, i am drunk as fuck, and just typing to type.. i dont know what it is, but i need some relieve..
what i really need is: not to breath, not to make my hearth beat, and not to keep on going..
this shitty life isnt what i wanted, i wanted happiness, without sorrow, and definatly without regret, but what did i get? i only got sorrow, and a hellish pain to deal with. having to deal with the knowledge i have.. there is nothing worse.. if only i could share it.. if only i could copy my knowledge into someone else, and forget it all, and just die.. happily, and fly... just fly.. it is all i ever wanted.. just to fly..to be free of choise.. to be free of human kind..

i will have to stop now, whoever reads this, and knows where i am talking about, i am sorry for what i have done, and for what i will do

Do not hate the messenger, hate the message....


i love you.... but is it enough?